T-CALCULUS!

renderedalone @ 2009-11-04T23:32:00

2009-11-05T04:33:10Z

“Is life so wretched? Isn’t it rather your hands which are too small, your vision which is muddied? You are the one who must grow up.”
– Dag Hammarskjöld

renderedalone @ 2009-10-27T20:02:00

2009-10-28T00:04:11Z

I can pretend to fairly well, but I don't really enjoy the company of anyone who is too happy, too functional or too transparent. What does that say about me?

renderedalone @ 2009-10-26T23:48:00

2009-10-27T03:49:55Z

i am sick and lonely and i can find no comfort anywhere. except maybe in a bath.

renderedalone @ 2009-10-15T02:17:00

2009-10-15T06:18:39Z

"It is not enough to be industrious; so are the ants. What are you industrious about?"
-Thoreau

renderedalone @ 2009-10-05T21:25:00

2009-10-06T01:26:00Z

i just caught my hair on fire and it scared the shit out of me but you can't even really tell the difference.

renderedalone @ 2009-09-22T10:38:00

2009-09-22T15:05:37Z

People are so funny. I love going about my daily life and having random encounters with people. I met a guy this morning at SEVEN THIRTY (ahhh) at the bus stop on my way to class and he approached me about what time the bus comes but later divulged that he knew what time the bus usually comes so obviously he was looking for an excuse to make conversation.

I was smoking a cigarette. He was nervous but still managed to say, "those are bad for you, you know." I said something like, "um, yeah, I know, I've heard it all before." Then he somehow managed to let his pompousness shine through. "I guess it's really a social thing, you know, like when someone asks you to bum a cigarette." I know that doesn't sound particularly assholeish but I knew exactly what this guy was thinking... "oh, you're a smoker for social reasons, you smoke to be cool."

He was trying to indulge me about my shirt and I told told him "I don't know, it's from Goodwill." At this point I realized that I was totally being an asshole too, maybe he didn't pick up on it, but in my mind I was thinking "well you've already prejudged the way I dress and the fact that I smoke and you're probably going to ask me about something academic now because you think that I am young and stupid and culture driven and probably unintelligent and mostly concerned with being indie and social."

So he asked me what class I was on my way to.

I should maybe describe this guy. He is on the short side, I am making the assumption that he is Jewish because I know it's terrible but you can spot the Jewish culture on this campus from a mile away. He dressed plainly and had a side-part comb-over thing and I could tell immediately that he was a graduate student.

I told him I was on the way to my journalism class and we are sitting on the side of the road and cars are going by and I can barely hear him. For once I am the one talking loudly. I ask him what class he is on his way to and he takes this as a cue to talk about himself for probably seven minutes. He goes on and on about how he is going to graduate school for Arabic and he loves to travel and he speaks several languages and blah blah blah.

He asks me if I ever travel, and I told him "no, my family was always too poor for that but I plan to when I have money one day." He points to my cigarette pack and says "well I see you got a budget for those."

Whatever, this story isn't interesting to anyone else but me but the whole thing was so comical. People are funny. It's silly how we're all judging each other and making assumptions about each other yet still, for some reason, making conversation with people. I don't get it. This kid and I have nothing in common. Really, little common ground. I don't even like him. Yet, when I get on the bus I follow him to the back and sit next to him. I have no idea why.

I kept sending this kid conscious signals that I didn't want to talk to him but my body was telling him something else. I followed him and sat next to him, for one thing. My legs were crossed toward him nearly the entire time and my frame was very open, even though I avoided eye contact, even though I kept checking the time on my cell phone. Even though my answers were short. It's weird. I really don't like this person. I didn't ask his name, I made no effort to really indulge him about anything he was obviously pretentious about, but I know that if next week he is at the bus stop and I'm at the bus stop I'm going to talk to him. It's like I can't not.

And okay I know this is terrible, but I feel like it's because he asks me questions that give me the opportunity to talk about myself. He made me so self conscious from the start with the cigarettes and the shirt and the condescending attitude about my academic endeavors I feel like I somehow need to prove this person wrong.

And that is what is ugly and disgusting and boring and miserable about when two self conscious people meet. They're so absorbed in defending themselves TO themselves they forget to see what really is attractive and interesting about that other person. What initially makes a person interested in another person is how interesting you are to them. That is probably why we indulge each other so often and ask questions about things and listen to things we don't always care about. So we can talk about ourselves. Maybe so we can learn something, but not always.

I have always tried to embrace other people because of their unique perspective and because maybe they have something new to say that I hadn't thought about before. But this morning I wasn't doing that. This morning I was harsh and guarded and maybe what some people define as "discerning."

That's a miserable way to interact.

renderedalone @ 2009-09-20T14:09:00

2009-09-20T18:10:10Z

I want to go somewhere else.

renderedalone @ 2009-09-03T10:33:00

2009-09-03T14:39:19Z

Dear Mckeldin Library,

WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU NOT OPEN BEFORE EIGHT AM. HOW IN THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY COFFEE AND READ MY FREE NEWSPAPER BEFORE MY GODFORSAKEN REPORTING CLASS AT EIGHT IN THE MORNING. WHAT THE FUCK? NO SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK. PEOPLE WHO HAVE CLASS AT EIGHT IN THE MORNING NEED COFFEE. YOU FUCKING IDIOTS.

ALSO, BY THE TIME I GET OUT OF CLASS BY TEN YOU ARE PACKED AND ALL THE FREE NEWSPAPERS ARE GONE. I HAVE TO TREK TO STAMP AND PAY A DOLLAR FOR THAT BULLSHIT. FUCK YOU.

renderedalone @ 2009-08-23T01:02:00

2009-08-23T05:02:59Z

renderedalone @ 2009-08-23T00:27:00

2009-08-23T04:28:16Z

I AM SO CLOSE TO ESCAPING.

renderedalone @ 2009-08-18T21:55:00

2009-08-19T01:56:21Z

cognitive dissonance and pipe dreamin'

renderedalone @ 2009-08-18T17:20:00

2009-08-18T21:21:38Z

Well, fuck double majoring in JOUR and GVPT, I'm going to do what I love and get an English minor instead of all of that GOV bullshit.

renderedalone @ 2009-08-15T00:34:00

2009-08-15T04:34:30Z

Mmmmm... I love the smell of boy in the summertime.

things that light up my life:

2009-08-15T03:46:34Z

*long conversations
*sex and the city
*crabs
*third eye blind
*coca cola
*old bay
*third eye blind
*my convertible
*hot days and cool nights
*chocolate
*questionable content
*third eye blind

EDIT:
*oh and those chocolate filled "HELLO PANDA" Asian cookie candy things in both white and milk.

renderedalone @ 2009-08-11T22:43:00

2009-08-12T02:44:22Z

I am afraid. Yeah. That's all I can say I guess.

renderedalone @ 2009-07-18T00:11:00

2009-07-18T04:12:09Z

i can't bring myself to clean my room but it needs to be done. i am googling plane tickets to europe. they aren't that expensive really if your dates are flexible. i want to go. i am going to go.

fuck,

2009-06-30T20:04:53Z

renderedalone @ 2009-06-27T12:26:00

2009-06-27T16:26:39Z

i want james to come home.

renderedalone @ 2009-06-20T23:51:00

2009-06-21T03:52:17Z

everything feels so temporary now and it's making me uncomfortable. i don't know if i should clean my room or just move out. i don't even know where i'm going to go if i have to leave. i guess college park early, i don't know.

renderedalone @ 2009-06-18T15:31:00

2009-06-18T19:31:56Z

dear toni,
it is never too early or too late to do the things you want to do.
love,
yourself

renderedalone @ 2009-06-13T02:09:00

2009-06-13T06:09:56Z

WELP this day was a complete waste of makeup.

renderedalone @ 2009-06-10T16:18:00

2009-06-10T20:19:08Z

i just never really want to go to work again.

renderedalone @ 2009-06-05T21:29:00

2009-06-06T01:29:26Z

“Hard Rain”
Tony Hoagland

After I heard It’s a Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall
played softly by an accordion quartet
through the ceiling speakers at the Springdale Shopping Mall,
I understood there’s nothing
we can’t pluck the stinger from,

nothing we can’t turn into a soft drink flavor or a t-shirt.
Even serenity can become something horrible
if you make a commercial about it
using smiling, white-haired people

quoting Thoreau to sell retirement homes
in the Everglades, where the swamp has been
drained and bulldozed into a nineteen-hole golf course
with electrified alligator barriers.

You can’t keep beating yourself up, Billy
I heard the therapist say on television
to the teenage murderer,
About all those people you killed—
You just have to be the best person you can be,

one day at a time—

and everybody in the audience claps and weeps a little,
because the level of deep feeling has been touched,
and they want to believe that
the power of Forgiveness is greater
than the power of Consequence, or History.

Dear Abby:
My father is a businessman who travels.
Each time he returns from one of his trips,
his shoes and trousers
are covered with blood-
but he never forgets to bring me a nice present;
Should I say something?
Signed, America.

I used to think I was not part of this,
that I could mind my own business and get along,

but that was just another song
that had been taught to me since birth—

whose words I was humming under my breath,
as I was walking through the Springdale Mall.

renderedalone @ 2009-06-01T22:20:00

2009-06-02T02:21:07Z

All of my best friends will be back in this country this summer and I just grinned and got so excited thinking about it that I stood up and did a leap.

renderedalone @ 2009-05-22T02:10:00

2009-05-22T06:10:47Z

I don't want to go back to school anymore I just want to travel and explore the world and never sleep ever.